Living…

well hello there blog world! remember me??? no? oops. well, let me remind you…

i’m the girl who pops in every once in a blue moon to share this and that with you and to see what you think. now do you remember?

oh bother.

anyway….what has been going on this whole time? well….life. you know that bothersome big thing that keeps pursuing all of us on this large spinning globe?

over the past 6 months i have been finding myself (literally) heavily saturated in creating things again. mainly knit things. ooohhhh…just typing the word “knit” sends happy little tingles down my spine!  :)

it started 6 months ago because that is the afternoon that my husband and I decided to go out to lunch together in the middle of our work days and not 60 seconds past the end of our driveway,  a nice lady from out of town decided that she could not be bothered with noticing the posted stop sign in front of her and kept on going her merry way right through the intersection and plant her bumper directly into the side (my side) of our vehicle.

*sigh*

this is where my little world turned a bit topsy-turvey. and not necessarily in a good way.

i had been working part time at a local embroidery shop for the world’s best employers. and now i’d found myself right smack in the middle of the biggest “little” battle of my life. feeling normal again…physically AND emotionally.

for the past 6 months, i have had the pleasure of waking up every morning (not to mention, 5-10 times before that during the night) with my arms and hands completely asleep. i quickly lost nearly all of the strength in my wrists and fingers and had the added joy of frequent migraines and on top of everything else….depression.

depression. i find that word, even now, so difficult to type. i can’t even look at the screen and stare the WORD in the eyes. i have never once in all of my life experienced it. perhaps the occasional case of the “debby-downers” or waking up on the wrong side of the bed. but never anything like this.

i guess when you are restricted (physically) from returning to your normal duties that your “job” outside the home requires AND restricted by the seemingly menial tasks related to being a mom and a wife, it does a number on your head.

not being able to tear open an oatmeal packet, grab the keys or cellphone from my purse without dropping them on the floor.

leaving the house only to drive myself to my doctor’s appointments.

things i had always, up to this point taken for granted. they were all now weaving a large web slowly inside of my fragile little head. i guess the only way i could try and un-burry myself from all of this gloom and doom that i had suddenly seen as my life, was to pick up my needles and spin a new web. one of my own design.

take it from the world’s self-professed “#1 Perfectionist”. when you feel the reigns of your life slowly slipping and no matter how hard you keep gripping them, you can only watch them,almost as if in slow-motion, fall through your fingers….

well, you have a bit of a….breakdown.

suddenly, you no longer have control. of anything. even your own thoughts.

but beneath this thing that had become bigger than myself was still me. the me that my family relied on. loved. took care of. and the me that at one time saw the beauty in everything. even the ugliness that i now thought of as my life.

i had to somehow pick up the reigns again.

and i did. or i am. it’s a process,  so i’m finding.

over the past few months, i have busied myself with what comes naturally and what i truly love.

creating.

and now that i have shared this all with you and being the Perfectionist that i am, wanting so badly to click “delete” on this whole post as opposed to “publish”, i will again, tighten my grip. as best i can. because without all of you…my dearest friends, my readers, my family….i couldn’t go on doing what means the most…

living.

love, kalurah

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5 comments on this post.
  1. sarah:

    I’m one of those people who WANTS to say something eloquent and meaningful when I read this, but can’t ever get it to come out…just glad you didn’t delete :) keep on!

  2. kalurah:

    thanks, sweetie. you worded it PERFECTLY! :)

  3. sarah:

    dory the fish might sing “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.”
    but for some of us it really is, “just keep knitting…” and somedays, it’s “just keep putting one foot in front of the other….” and that’s all it needs to be in the grand scheme of things.
    prayers as you continue to recover!

  4. Helen Blouin-Duncan:

    Oh, my sweet first-born girl! I know you’ve had a very difficult 6 months and I have felt the past couple of weeks that we finally have the “old” you back again. You seem to be coming out of your funk and with all we’ve been through with your brother the past few months, you were my rock, always reminding me to leave things in God’s very capable hands. Thanks for being you again. I’ve missed you terribly! And I’ve also missed your blogging. It’s always been a bright spot in my busy, worrisome days. Love you!

  5. Emma Angel:

    What a terrible thing to have to go through.
    I am so glad that you are on the mend. You will continue to get better.
    I too have had depression and it is a terrible thing. My crafting was the thing that got me through as well as my family.
    You are strong, you can do it. Thank you for sharing your life and not deleting the post, I know it can’t have been easy for you.
    Take care, big hugs. xxxx